Freebie 5 freak out
by Barbara Haynes & Brent Piaskoski
He said: I’m sure it’s been around forever – that magical list of celebrities your partner says you’re free to sleep with – but I think I first heard about The Freebie 5 List on an episode of Friends.
She said: Yep. The one with Frank, Jr. Ross got to meet somebody from his list: Isabella Rossellini.
He said: One of the crazy things about living in L.A. is you never know who you’re gonna run into.
She said: I met Kim Kardashian at Barry’s Boot Camp a couple years ago. Well, “met” is a bit of a stretch. She exited the bathroom and explained that she’d dropped the air freshener into the toilet, so that’s what had taken her so long. I remember staring at her and thinking, in this order: “Wow, this girl is beautiful.” Then, “She is super short.” Then, “She has enormous boobs. Do not stare at them.” And finally, “Holy sh*t, I think this is Kim Kardashian and she’s telling me she stuck her hand in a toilet to grab a bottle of air freshener.”
He said: Maybe some people get used to celebrity sightings, but for us, it’s always cool, no matter who you spot. We’re Canadian, and chances are slim that I’ll meet my celebrity crush in Calgary, or you’ll see your TV boyfriend strolling the mean streets of Burnaby, BC. But in Hollywood, I could run into one of my fantasy girls picking up coffee. It’s thrilling and I’ll be honest, a little unnerving.
She said: Sadly, it hasn’t prevented you from wearing a fanny pack when you go to the gym. Anyway. The list.
He said: It’s always in flux. I mean, I’m always gonna have the classics like Sandra Bullock, a beautiful woman I’ve been crushing on since her NBC sitcom, Working Girl. And of course Uma Thurman, the girl who broke a thousand VCRs in that spectacular Dangerous Liaisons scene. But the rest of your starting line-up can change. Parker Posey can be a strong starter for years, and then BAM! Out of nowhere, Mad Men’s Jessica Paré comes out zou-bisou-bisouing, and Parker’s riding the pine.
She said: All I’m getting from this is that guys need sports metaphors to explain literally everything. Just name your other two.
She said: Mine are a bit weird because all but one are fictional. I’m in love with the character but not necessarily the actor.
He said: You always gotta complicate things. I mean, what would you do, sneak on set and try to have sex with these guys between takes?
She said: That’s ridiculous. Some of their shows are no longer on the air.
He said: Just name names.
She said: Okay, for the actor, it’s Channing Tatum. If I met him, I’d have to punch my own face to stop from giggle-crying. Then there’s George from Suburgatory (Jeremy Sisto), Danny from The Mindy Project (Chris Messina), Tim Riggins from Friday Night Lights (Taylor Kitsch) and David Addison from Moonlighting (Bruce Willis). It is 100% their characters that I’m in love with.
He said: Really. Because earlier this year, you texted me from a screenwriting seminar to say Jeremy Sisto had just walked into the room. You say you only like him as George, but the typos, ALL CAPS and hysterical emojis said otherwise.
She said: Oh God, I know! And what about the time we saw Adrianne Palicki at Hugo’s? You kicked me under the table and grunted, “Tyra! It’s Tyra!” until she asked to be moved to another table. At another restaurant.
He said: Oh yeah? Well, you’re stalking our local Earth Bar because a friend told you Chris Messina goes there for B12 shots!
She said: Did you see the way he danced for Mindy?! And what about that text you sent me a few months ago? “Hey, just at the bar. Jessica Paré showed up, so we’ll be here for awhile. Have a good night!” Are you insane?
He said: I definitely felt mentally unstable when she walked in. I suppose putting on a fedora and randomly yelling “That’s what the money is for!” was overkill, though.
She said: It’s been crazier since working on your upcoming sitcom Spun Out. Dave Foley anchors the cast and he’s friends with Jessica. Paul Campbell is the show’s lead and he’s good buddies with Cobie Smulders.
He said: That’s true. He even introduced her to her husband, Turban Killit.
She said: Taran Killam? The funniest member of SNL?
He said: Please. I’m not learning that guy’s name.
She said: Right. That’ll teach him for taking your girl.
He said: Here’s the thing. Freebie 5 Lists work because they’re never supposed to come true. Sure, we live in L.A. and we may see these people (Sandy, I heard I just missed you at Whole Foods – wait around next time, would you?) but the truth is, if these famous folks were really to turn away from their equally famous, equally gorgeous partner and say, “Why yes, Complete Stranger who’s making me deeply uncomfortable. I am honored to have made your list! I wanna bang your brains out right now. No, now, here, in this Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf!” What the hell would we do?
She said: Run like the frightened Canadian tourists we still feel like after all these years.
He said: Exactly. Although… hmm. Jessica? If you want to prove me wrong, be my guest.
She said: Ditto that, Tim Riggins. “Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose.”
Banner art credits: Sandra Bullock: Joe Seer / Shutterstock.com; Channing Tatum, Jeremy Sisto & Adrianne Palicki: s_bukley / Shutterstock.com; Uma Thurman: PS / Shutterstock.com; Cobie Smulders & Jessica Paré: Featureflash / Shutterstock.com; all other images via Wikipedia.Tags: Adrianne Palicki, Barbara Haynes, Brett Piaskoski, Channing Tatum, Cobie Smulders, Hollywood, Jessica Pare, Marriage, Sandra Bullock, Uma Thurman