proposal
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My A-list proposal

by Jonathan F. Cohen

People always ask me… “Jon, what made you fall in love with writing comedy?” Okay, maybe nobody really cares to ask that, but in all honestly I believe comedy found me. Throughout my 31 years of living on this lovely planet, some of the most awkward and peculiar incidents seem to always happen to me. To prove my point, I’m going to share with you the story of my recent engagement.

It was a beautiful, sunny Saturday in Malibu and I made reservations at Geoffreys in Malibu. Robyn and I had the perfect table right next to the ocean and the plan was to do a beach-side proposal after our romantic dinner.

About a half hour into our meal, celebrity power couple Fergie and Josh Duhamel walked in and were seated right behind us. When I saw them I almost screamed like a little school girl, but fortunately I was able to contain myself and politely elbowed Robyn instead. Josh was so close to me we were practically rubbing buttocks against each other; and let me tell you, he must do a lot of squats.

Then a light bulb went off and I thought to myself…“Why don’t I just propose during dinner?” I had a vision of Robyn and I celebrating our engagement with two A-List celebrities as we drank Cristal in a hot tub at their mansion. This was a story I could tell for years and one day to our grandchildren. Plus, we were seated by a large family celebrating a college graduation and a young prom couple, so there was a celebratory vibe and good energy surrounding us.

Image via s_bukley / Shutterstock.com

“I gotta feeling… Tonight is going to be
an awkward night.”
Image via s_bukley / Shutterstock.com

Right as I pulled out the ring box Robyn whispered in a panicked urgency “Jon, please don’t do this right now! I don’t want to get embarrassed.”

I was in complete and utter shock. All I could think was “Are you kidding me?” I didn’t understand how I could start a proposal, pause it and then continue it somewhere else. I thought about going against her wishes and forcing the proposal on her, but I wasn’t really in the mood to get arrested. In addition, I wanted to make a good impression on Fergie because I’ve always felt my true calling was to be a back-up dancer for the Black Eyed Peas.

Since Robyn made it extremely clear that she wanted the proposal to be private, I figured I would go back to my original plan. Not so fast… The beach-side proposal was squelched after our waitress deemed the stairs down to the ocean “off-limits” for diners. Instead we decided to drive on the Pacific Coast Highway and find a good place to stop on the beach.

It was dark and most all of the public beach parking lots were closed. Sometimes I would suggest a spot and Robyn wouldn’t like it. Then other times she would suggest a spot and I wasn’t big on it or I would stupidly drive past it.

Finally, I had enough and was desperate to get the proposal over with. I knew if this kept on we would eventually do a “Thelma and Louise” and drive off the Santa Monica Pier. I made a decision to pull over to the side of the road and bust out the ring box. Of course I opened the box upside down, causing the ring to fall out of its spot. I said some nice things to Robyn and finished the now epic proposal.

It wasn’t the most romantic spot nor was anything executed efficiently, but nonetheless it was a memorable proposal. Honestly in the end, I don’t think any of this matters; what does matter is that I have a good woman by my side, who for some odd reason is willing to put up with all of my irritating and annoying idiosyncrasies. God bless her.

My only concern now is that come May 4th, she’ll stop me right before I say “I do” and will beg me in front of 200 people to please find a more private spot to do our vows. If this happens again, I’ll go to plan B and run off with Josh Duhamel and his firm buttocks.

Jonathan F. Cohen

About Jonathan F. Cohen

Originally from the rough and tough streets of Chicago’s south suburbs, Jonathan enjoys writing comedy for TV and the web for free in Los Angeles. He recently wrote and co-created the web series “Howard Gets an Interview” and has been sharing his comedic misfortunes with the world on his blog “The Awkward Chronicles.” And if you’re not sick of Jonathan yet, you can follow him on Twitter @awkwardjonno.

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