I ♥ L.A.
by Lynnette Ramirez
The thing is I love Los Angeles. I was born here, went to college here and have made my life here. I’ve lived all over the city from the San Gabriel Valley, where I grew up, to the Marina, where I went to college, to La Brea and Sunset and even Melrose Place, where I inhabited one-bedroom apartments walking distances from trendy spots like Koi and Kitson. Part of being an Angeleno is listening to the complaints lobbied against our sunny city. We all know the type that claim to hate L.A. but still remain permanent fixtures here, and by “type”, I mean New Yorkers. As a satisfied native, I often find myself defending Los Angeles to a fault.
When my cousin recently moved here from Pennsylvania, I was again reminded why from an outsider’s perspective of Los Angeles isn’t always the easiest city to inhabit. I have to say I can only defend L.A. to a certain point. I totally get how he feels out of place driving a red Camaro in Century City. I agree it’s highly unlikely he’s just imagining the sideway glances on the 405.
Speaking of the 405, what good can possibly be said about the traffic in Los Angeles? At that point it’s just best to talk about the weather. However, hearing about the people, especially those in “the industry” being pretentious, fake, not down to earth and confused liberals makes me ponder what can be done about this? So, as all good D-girls do, I made a list. Further suggestions welcomed!
- Only lead with “I feel fat” if you are actually fat. To be precise, more than 20 pounds over the national obesity index.
- Don’t recommend a restaurant unless you’ve actually eaten there. It doesn’t count as a personal recommendation if a “Top Chef” contestant owns it.
- Don’t mention your conversation with a celebrity unless you’ve known them for more than five minutes, i.e. actually know them, not spotted them at The Coffee Bean every morning for the past week.
- Don’t work into every conversation that you drive a Prius.
- Don’t bring outrageously priced Sprinkles cupcakes to a child’s birthday party.
- Don’t mention your new organic garden unless you’re an unemployed screenwriter trying not to talk about the status of your new original screenplay.
- Don’t Instagram your entire life unless you are a Kardashian promoting “your empire.”
- Don’t blame being late on traffic. You knew it was going to be horrible.
- Don’t pretend to loathe reality television. Just be honest about your TiVo list.
- Don’t register at Bel Bambini unless you are in fact an A-list celebrity and/or all your friends can truly afford an $18 cloth rattle as just the tassel that goes on top of the ridiculously priced organic baby blanket actual gift.
- Don’t act smug about being ahead of entertainment news because Nikki Finke already beat you to it. Toldja!
- Don’t pretend not to know anything about 50 Shades of Grey, Snooki or Suri Cruise as a way to seem “not so L.A.”
- Don’t start a conversation with any of the following: “As an intellectual,” “As a New Yorker,” “As a spiritual person,” unless you plan to follow up with “Also as an a-hole.”
- Don’t pretend that you’re only in L.A. for the weather because you like driving around alone in your black car as much as the next person on the 101.
- Don’t hate on the Newsroom and then still watch it every week.
- Don’t post pictures weekly from the Farmer’s Market on facebook.
- When somebody says they feel tired, don’t assume that means they’re asking for a Botox referral. (Okay, maybe that just happens to me!?)
- Don’t start a sentence with “I do this [insert interesting respectable thing you do for a living], but I really am this [insert ‘actor, screenwriter, producer, model, gamer, etc.’].”
- Just don’t pretend to be anything that you’re not. Unless you truly are smug and pretentious by nature. Then ignore 1-18 and know you’re living in the right city. And likely working in the right “industry.”
- Don’t be so pretentious to think I don’t know that my writing this piece was a pretentious act in itself. I already mentioned up top I was born in Los Angeles!