super-bowl
Image via Ken Durden / Shutterstock.com

…And on the seventh day, God created the Super Bowl

by Jessica Cabot

God Bless the Super Bowl. This momentous occasion is not just an event. Calling the Super Bowl a “holiday” brings us closer to the truth but it still does not touch on the holiness of all that is football, this new fried guacamole dip recipe I found on Pinterest, and some of the most riveting storytelling you’re apt to see all year. (I’m talking about the commercials, of course.)

Indeed, the Super Bowl has surpassed mere “holiday” status in that the Super Bowl has become a religion in and of itself. It’s a powerful day, one that has the ability to bring people together in ways that no other moment of our year does.

Christmas is a family obligation. Thanksgiving is just another family obligation or a day where orphaned friends connect over some quick fixins at El Torito since it’s the only place that’s open. The Super Bowl bonds all kind and kin. You and your father-in-law finally find common ground, something you are both passionate about, unlike that coin he keeps pulling from behind your ear. Your co-worker brings her famous buffalo wings, and for a week afterward, it doesn’t even faze you that she’s always hogging the copy machine. Even the girlfriends join in on the festivities, wearing those cute girly T-Shirts with your team’s logo. She does it to lure you into finding her extra relatable and easy-going, so that you will be tricked into wanting to marry her, and due to the magical spirit surrounding the Super Bowl, you could see yourself raising a family of future quarterbacks with her.

There are many reasons to watch the Super Bowl, and regardless of how much or how little you actually know about football, if you are a true American, there is a 100% chance that on Super Bowl day you will be there with everyone, watching the game.

Though this day draws those from all backgrounds, there is one solid element of this night that we all can share in: the commercials. This is appropriate because if the Super Bowl is a religion, then the commercials are our Bible. They lift our spirits with the gospel hymns of consumerism – moving us to laugh, cry, and probably get some Taco Bell.

This year’s line up of commercials was as riveting as the game itself, but actually even better because the commercials didn’t disappoint anyone by promising a victorious comeback and then dropping the ball. Perhaps there are those socialist naysayers who might frown upon this worship of capitalism that again brings our families and friends together and guides us on how to better live our lives with integrity (buy a Dodge Ram), but they are missing the point. These commercials are parables – complete with teasers – that inspire us to reach an ideal of America that we might not have even known possible. Due to their significant cultural impact, I have taken it upon myself to review a few of these commercials – outlining the lessons taught and the messages of hope they’ve bestowed.

TOP 5 COMMERCIALS OF THE 2013 SUPER BOWL

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KgmhhVCLgM8

1. BEST BUY, “Asking Amy” – If there is one thing I care about more than which brands I buy, it’s celebrities. As such, a good celebrity endorsement always leaves me feeling pumped to go spend my money. I commend Best Buy for their pick of Amy Poehler. She is an absolute treat, a positive woman who uses her celeb status for good – encouraging young girls to love themselves and be who they are. I want to be Amy Poehler. I will accomplish this by going to Best Buy and screaming at the top of my lungs while wearing noise-canceling headphones. I might also ask inane questions about technology that downplay my intelligence in a manic fashion to drive home that I am quirky. Then I too will be perceived as endearing and relatable. Fool proof.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ufu5sqJh24Q

2. OREOS – If you asked me what the best action film I’ve seen all year is, I might direct your attention to this short film right here. It takes all the tropes of your typical action film to get you pumped, but then twists your expectations of the genre by setting all of it in a library, the one place you have to be quiet! This simple juxtaposition had me laughing and thus definitely left a memorable impression. Wait, what am I supposed to buy again? I forgot what was happening after the police came. Was it Instagram? Oh, no, nevermind, it’s Oreos.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sngjAw3TRPk

3. COCA COLA, “Security Cameras” – My favorite thing about our post-modern Big Brother world is just how gosh-darned NICE everyone is! Sure, the editors had to sift through 493 hours of surveillance footage and edit out most of the muggings to leave us with these delightful 1:31 minutes of people doing nice things, but boy is it nice. A more cynical person might be concerned that our every move is being documented and broadcasted in advertisements, but why live life with a bad attitude like that? I’m just going to enjoy myself with a nice refreshing coca-cola like the nice people do.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lvayTCuv-6E

4. CALVIN KLEIN – I don’t know what just happened. I think this guy just dated me and my ten best friends at the same time and then didn’t call any of us back. It was an emotional and rough time but I think I learned a lot of valuable lessons in the past sixteen seconds: buy Calvin Klein.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ThJbPJHAD70

5. DORITOS, “Fashionista Daddy” – This commercial taught me what I knew all along. Those who wield the Doritos, wield the power. I was also strangely moved by the ability Doritos has to get dads to let loose and be silly with their kids. I think Doritos really understands life – the most significant moments are those that we spend bonding with our family. And those moments are even better when they are induced by junk food bribes because then really wacky cool stuff happens like that bearded guy in that annoyed woman’s wedding dress! She just doesn’t get Doritos like we do.

THE WINNER

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4g7NlR8Xi4Q

TACO BELL – Taco Bell appealed to my interests by capturing the spirit of my generation…with OLD PEOPLE!!! It was super fun to see old people doing the same stuff me and my friends like doing on the weekends. I guess that’s the thing about my generation, everyone should live life the way we do! I hope more old people see this commercial and are inspired to go out clubbing, because that’s a world I want to live in. That world would be the most fun. What else is fun? Totally getting stoned at the end of the night and hangin’ out with my friends in a Taco Bell parking lot. Taco Bell is the place to be seen. Taco Bell is cool. I love Taco Bell. If I love Taco Bell so much why don’t I marry it? Great idea, the wedding is being planned for summer.

ONE LAST THING

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Y800s8y9Zg

SCIENTOLOGY – As I’ve already expressly stated, Super Bowl is a religion in and of itself. So how dare you sneak in there, Scientology? How dare you undermine the true spirit of pork rinds and Beyonce by asking us if we ever think about big questions like the meaning of life? I am insulted to be asked to think about the Universe and my mortality at a time like this. Not to mention, Scientologists are asking me to be a non-conformist!? Thinking about not conforming is the last thing I want to do on Super Bowl. I want to know what the people are buying this year so that I can fit in with society and be well liked.

Because these commercials are so important in bringing us together, please let me know which ones made an impression on you!

Jessica Cabot

About Jessica Cabot

Jessica Cabot is a writer and comedian living in Los Angeles who has worked for such notable TV programs as Web Therapy, The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, Weeds, and Wilfred. She hopes to one day change and inspire the world with her comedy, or at least be roasted on Comedy Central. Jessica even co-hosts a monthly comedy show at Bar Lubitsch as an intergalactic super model, Lady Sodium. Other than that she shares a birthday with Gary Busey. Follow her on Twitter @jessicacabot

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